Dear God... (by Gela)

Gela’s Post on her Friendster Blog.
(with some of my insights and comments too.)
Thank God for people who write better than I do.
They seem to translate how I feel through their literary prowess. Every bit of what she wrote last July 03, 2005 is what I'm feeling now. It is nice to know that there are others who feel (or have felt) that way... But it doesn't make it any better... *sigh*

Dear God...

I'm hurting..they say that 'he who has the why could overcome any how' and now all i want is to know the reason why I am in this state so that i would be able to continue struggling. Loneliness has been such a strange place for me before but now it seems like the world is painted in black and grey.. I am not asking anything much.. just let me accept things the way they are and make it easy for me to live each day at a time. I'm tired of waking every morning crying..tired of pretending to be alright when deep down i'm dying, sadness slowly engulfing the best of me..

I thank you for giving me great friends though..they somehow lessen the pain i feel inside..but they can do only as much coz at the end of the day, it would all depend on me if i would be able to feel good with every smile and laughter that comes from me or would it only be a mask, hiding every bit of angst and bitterness i feel. I know that shedding tears is an act of courage, and right now all i want is to be strong. i wish that every tear that i cried would add up for me to muster the courage of wading in to the deep water of life alone without drowning.

all my life, i have never been the strong one..just about anything makes me cry and now, i have been put to the test once more on just how much i can take..please just let me be alright..i know it ain't easy since alot of questions has been swimming in my head..does he love me still? why am i always the one left alone? did i give too little or too much? is he happy despite not having me? and if he's happy, would that lead me farther from him? at this point i am hanging, and unless i find the answers to my questions, i know that day in and day out i would forever be in a daze.. wondering until i go crazy and yet not arrive with any answers..

i know that to love is to want the person to be happy but i never thought it to be possible to be happy even if you are not with the one you supposedly love.. if that's the case, is that still love? or is that feeling only a part of the past you once shared since the person is able to feel happiness without his other half..i never thought that to be possible coz this is the first time that i know i have ever truly loved someone... unconditionally... even if it seemed otherwise to that other person... i center my world on the person without meaning to.. it just happens that one day you wake up and your life depends on the person..
i just did not expect that to backfire on me since when the person decided to search for a new horizon, he would leave and take my world with him and the world i have known suddenly came crashing into pieces...now, i am left with nothing but my tears..

someday, please teach me the ways to be alone..someday, i hope i can face the mirror and smile to myself and say i'm okay.. someday, i will be better..someday, let me realize the worth of this all..someday, help me get by..taking each day at a time and through this pain, i hope i may be able to earn what it takes to love fully and unselfishly.. someday..